I remember the first time I had a crush. I was 15. Though it was a crush, I thought I had fallen in love, for I had no clue what falling in love was like.
It was her beauty that drew me to her. Her smile. Her gaze. Her hair. Her body. That’s all I had to work on as I hadn’t exchanged any words with her. That wasn’t love. That came from the soul between my legs.
Oh by the way, this was at a tuition class. I had to make a move, but I had no idea how to. I was always a confident sort of fella, but this shit got me almost pissing in my pants. So one day, I gathered all my courage and wrote her a note that said, “Call me xxxxxxxxx” and in my nervous state, I handed the note over to her abruptly.
Her smile, her gaze, her hair and her body turned towards me. I was like “yay!”. In my state of euphoria I did not realize that her smile, her gaze, her hair, and her body were in sync with a single thought. “Who is this creep?”.
You would have guessed by now that she never called me. But that didn’t stop me from doubting myself. I questioned myself about petty things such as my looks and capability to attract the opposite sex, and ended up depressed for a few weeks.
Today, I look back and think of how my thoughts have evolved.
All of us have a love trail. Some of us are fortunate to have longer journeys and more experiences than others. And if you are really lucky, you would have gone through a few bad heartbreaks. A few heartbreaks are good. It puts you in touch with a side to you that you never knew existed. It challenges your emotions in many aspects. It makes you stronger. Gets you to make the silliest of mistakes you can learn from. Gives you a whole heap of insight. Insight that teaches you lessons to take forward in a relationship, even in its infancy.
In a relationship, at a single point in time, one takes the fall significantly than the other. Usually the ‘rejected’, or the ‘cheated’. Those who’ve been there would know that it’s a really shitty feeling to not get return on investment. This is when you sometimes doubt yourself, and ask yourself if you aren’t good enough.
Here is the thing. You can charm you way through to attract someone (hoping it would work), but you can’t force someone to like you. Sometimes you could get them to like you, but you can’t get them to love you. It either works or it doesn’t. So when you ask yourself if you aren’t good enough, you should know that there could be a big possibility that you actually aren’t. To THAT person.
Think about it, haven’t we all come across people who we’ve felt aren’t good enough for us? It doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad people. There could have even been ones you thought you were attracted to, but then woke up one day to realize that you aren’t anymore.
Just because you aren’t good enough for someone, does not mean you aren’t good enough for the world. Or someone special in your world. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder. And in the words of The Rolling Stones, “you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes well you just might find you get what you need”.
My love trail has taught me the importance of self-respect. Before you can be good enough for someone else, you need to be good enough to yourself. For without loving oneself one cannot truly love another. If you can understand that, and appreciate your true worth, it would be so much easier to deal with rejection, and prevent you from making stupid and regretful decisions, or letting someone take advantage of you, abuse you or mistreat you in general.
There would have been times when people screwed you over. You probably hated them for it. Likewise, you would have been responsible for screwing someone over, and you probably hate yourself for it. The universe has a weird way of balancing things, and karma is a bitch. But in reality, as much as you hate yourself for screwing someone over, know that what you did to them helped them become better people in the longer run, just as the way the people who screwed you over have helped you.
There could be a million things about your past you aren’t proud of. Things that could keep you from truly loving yourself. If you can’t forgive yourself, you can’t move forward. Your past will always be a part of who you are, but your present and future will determine who you will become.